Friday, 27 April 2012

Eyes Wide Open

One should approach the chopping of onions in the same manner as one approaches divorce.
With your eyes wide open.
Shutting your lids mid-stream will leave you blind and bleeding.
It's also similar to running a marathon, keeping in mind that once you start it's go go go to the finish.
Dexterity, and a sharp knife are also helpful.

Make sure the phone is off the hook and you are not interrupted. I suggest headphones or a sign on the kitchen door that reads - 'Mummy's chopping onions', deafness is an asset here.
Assemble all necessary implements on a chopping board ie onions and sharp knife.

WARNING: Your eyes will water, you'll want to rub them, but from step3 on DON'T EVEN BLINK - 'my watery eyes have healing magic' will be your mantra. If you reeeeeally have to a quick, light flutter of the lids might get you through.

1. Assemble all necessary implements on a chopping board ie onions and sharp knife. 
2. KEEPING YOUR EYES OPEN top and tail the onions generously to remove tough and difficult to slice ends.
3. KEEPING YOUR EYES OPEN cut onion in half lengthways (north pole to south pole) and peel off the outer skin, lay each half flat on the board.
4. KEEPING YOUR EYES OPEN cut each half into 2mm slices.
5. KEEPING YOUR EYES OPEN quickly lay 3-4 semi circular rounds on top of each other and and chop quickly in an arc. Repeat until all onion is chopped.
6. Keep your eyes open as long as possible until they don't water anymore - just like divorce.

I'll leave you with a card my SOB (Significant Other Being) made for me this year for my birthday...

Grounds for Divorce?
PS - I haven't been through divorce but I separated from a live in boyfriend with whom I shared a bank account and a very nice antique hall stand...


  1. I have learned to cut onions on my stove top where the eXhaust fan for the kitchen puLLs the odiferous noxious sulfur chemicals away at a rate high enough so that my eyes are not bothered. It just involves planning to cut the onion(s) before cooking to avoid eXcessive heat and occupied burner space.

    1. Cool fix esbboston. I heard a match held between the teeth helps and have tried it with a negative result. Perhaps the match has to be lit?

    2. Perhaps if the match head held a tiny black hole that selectively absorbed volatile noxious sulfur chemicals, then it would not need to be lit.

  2. I made the mistake of closing my eyes the other day while chopping onions. My eyes burning with the acrid release of onion body odor, I said to myself, "No prob, you can do this with your eyes shut." I ended up chopping my fingernail (no blood or serious damage- but it did hurt). If only you had posted this public service advice 4 days ago...

    1. Oh damn!
      When I have many to chop or for a soup I quarter them and pop them in the blender with water.

  3. Oh no he DI-INT!

    Although he did make the card. Joe buys crap and just signs his name.

    I so should have married a woman.

    1. Yes he did!
      But he did make the card...
      Women? Yeah -'d think it would be a match made in heaven eh! Ha!
      But I've heard they turn into men.

  4. Perfect Analogy! Great post!
    Not so great card, but hey, atleast he remembered 'something' was going on.

    1. I loved the card. A house full of artists makes birthdays even more fun!

  5. I always start out with the belief that I will have the finest minced, or thinnest sliced onions in all the land, but then end up with awkwardly chopped randomness once the sting starts. I will try your steps!

    1. Blenders do a great job Andrea.
      I'm sure there is a monastery somewhere high in the mountains of Tibet where monks practice chopping onions on their way to enlightenment.


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