Monday, 26 March 2012

Taking the Piss

I can pee anywhere anytime. I don't get stage fright and I've almost never been caught.

When I was a gadabout teen on pub crawls with my friends, I would duck up an alley and leave a wet patch without breaking my stride or falling behind my girl fellows.
On an eight hour drive to Sydney I stopped three times by the side of the highway without a second thought and nary a car came to shine it's light on my naked behind.

My motto has always been 'he who hesitates to pee is caught'.
But once... I was caught so badly that it made up for all the other times...


It was a beautiful day for a picnic in the countryside by the river. Lots of other people thought so too and by the afternoon the toilet cans were full to over flowing.
Being the bush babe I am, going behind a tree is always more attractive than a stinky bog so I left the picnic to stroll to the only cover for miles around - a shady clump of greenery forty meters uphill from the sausages, coleslaw and crowds.

I've always wanted to draw a map for a story - a map with a key and all and since I will probably never write an epic novel that requires one I'm taking this opportunity to fulfill a fantasy.  I've put together the following illustration so that you can a better perspective on this tale.


After I trudged to the top of the mound I ducked behind a large utility truck. I pulled down my shorts and undies and squatted. I started to pee and the very next second this is what I saw...


The men must have used great stealth and speed to climb that hill, there was no one there a minute ago.

I didn't have enough time to pull up my pants and so did the only thing I could do with such short notice. I sat down in the long grass on my bare bum, pulled my shirt down to cover my thighs and leaned forward with my chin resting on my hand in a nonchalant 'I'm just sitting here checking out your back tyre' kind of way (yes I was that close to it).

The legs walked round the back of the car and the men who owned them took a step back in surprise. I smiled and nodded in a matey 'I've got this covered' kind of way. They looked at me and then at each other  with bemusement. One concentrated very hard on putting stuff in the tray at the back of the Ute, then he got in the passenger's side. The driver opened his door, got in, started the engine and drove away leaving me to face the picnickers below.

I could have been run over and the morning papers would have read...

TWO MEN RUN OVER GIRL WITH HER PANTS DOWN

Instead the headline was...
WOMAN FLASHER FRIGHTENS PICNICKERS
^^
=+=

25 comments:

  1. I love your map- I feel like I am right there with you:-) I have to pee ALL the time. I just wish I had your bravery- to pee wherever, whenever I need to pee.

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    1. Oh Amy - I just love maps, they're wonderful - an art all of their own.
      And it's not brave if you're not scared.

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  2. I am so jealous of your pee'ing abilities. I also pee everywhere, but it takes me bloody yonkers.

    In fact I pee'd in the park this weekend.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Eke the delete was full of boo boos -
      A friend of mine used to have to take reading material to the loo with her to help her relax.
      A pee in the park? that sounds a nice way to spend a Saturday.

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  3. Heeheehee! I remember being at school and needing to pee badly. The
    girl's toilets weren't fit to house plague victims and so I had to wait until I got home.

    I made it through 30 minutes detention, a 30 minute bus ride home, a 10 minute walk, got to the front door and promptly peed on the front steps, key in hand.

    Ahh memories...

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    1. Ohh Bugger Lilly - it was probably the sound of that tinkly key.
      I think I developed a open house attitude to peeing after wetting my pants in kindergarten along with several of my classmates.

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    2. I mean I wet my pants - not my classmates.

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  4. I can pee anywhere also!I am actually pretty skilled in the art of stealth pee-ery!
    I think it was one of the first things my husband was impressed with when we were first dating. Bar hopping downtown, me having to pee, and ever so gracefully bracing myself on the wheel of a car, and going.
    But to be caught???!!!! Poor Julie. I felt anxiety for you just reading the story, and looking at your illustration of the feet.
    Ugghhhhh!!!!! A memory I am sure you will never forget.GREAT STORY! GREAT MAP!

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    1. Thanks JR. He he - Nice to have you in the Free Pee club.
      My husband is also impressed with his wife's prowess - he always gets caught.

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  5. Please teach me your ways, Master. I have never been able to master this lost art and it has cost me dearly. Illustrations would help (non-graphic, just posture & positioning). Thank you!

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    1. Ha ha - It's not so much posture and position so much as timing and speed.

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  6. I love the map! I love the story! I would rather pee in the middle of a bunch of picnickers than in an overflowing WC. Ick. I can pee anywhere, too. Also change clothes. Both very useful skills that I am trying to teach my children. My daughter still gets her feet, though, when she has to squat. Alas...
    This was just fantastic and random!

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    1. Tangled - another one for the Free Pee club. I also change clothes anywhere. I find I can pee well now standing with a dress on and no undies :)

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  8. I seem to want to go in the most inconvenient of places, but sadly I’m not as brave as you.

    One of the annoying things, is walking the dog, and she’ll just go right in the middle of the field. I’m so jealous ;)

    PS, love the map.

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    1. Yep, dogs must think we're mad to put our piss where no one else can smell it.

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  9. Great story and I love the map. You are a woman of many talents.

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  10. Hhaha oooof. Sounds like you did the best thing you could in the circumstances.

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    1. Yeah. I could have been honest and said 'Hey I'm having a pee, can you just turn around until I'm finished?' but I panicked.

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  11. Total pee envy here. I'm a complete chicken when it comes to peeing anywhere other than a perfectly private bathroom.

    Just wanted to let you know that you're featured in my very special blog story. Take a look when you can--I think you'll enjoy it. :)

    --Susan

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    1. Thanks Susan, that was tres cool. Your fingers must be worn to stubs - great illustrations!

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  12. Bahaha! This story is hilarious.

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    1. It was very funny and had entertained me since on many an occasion.

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