Wednesday, 30 November 2011

To Russia with love

I'm only new at blogging and forgive my ignorance but I've noticed that nearly a quarter of my blog views are from Russia and I have no idea why or even how people are seeing my blog anyway.  I presume it's mostly by accident through feeder thingy s.

I think it must be very cold in Russia at the moment because it's very hot here 'hey let's talk about the weather!' and you'd all be inside keeping warm, drinking vodka, watching u-tube and reading strange blogs from Australia.

I was in Moscow in 1987 on the 70th anniversary of Revolution Day. Me and my fellow 'Intourist'  travelers huddled together on the footpath outside the hotel we were staying in that was right opposite Red Square.

It was a magic morning for being in Russia (nee USSR) - cold, bleak and there were hundreds (it seemed) of real tanks driving down the street right in front of us! It was like the whole of the armed forces were there. Men in uniform... I have a fantastic photo of two of them talking to each other in front of a huge building sized backdrop of some guy with a mustache...

I remember westerners used to say there was no colour in Russia (nee USSR) and that there was only black, white, grey and sometimes Red.

But I knew your secret. I knew that your lack of colour was due to a lack of advertising. I knew that the lack of colour in your streets gave you the brilliant colour in your faces.
I loved your colour.

How was  the 25th of October this year? No more parade? Have things changed now? Were people busy shopping on Revolution Day - now that you have 'colour'?


And the word was...

Once upon a time there was a planet covered in computers all connected to an animal called the 'Internet'. The people who lived there kept feeding the computers words and pictures. ..

The food was sometimes quality stuff, full of goodness and providing the Internet with roughage, proteins and vitamins and minerals essential for maintaining Internet health and well being.

But mostly the food was highly processed mass produced junk, the sort that tightens your gut and gives you flatulence.

The Internet became constipated ie. it was full and couldn't pass a stool.

All the words and pictures inside it rumbled around trying to find a way out.
They fought violently with each other.

It was a massacre.

Their blood all mixed together and formed an acid, giving the Internet something to aid digestion, break down the words and get things moving again.
Finally the Internet felt one coming.
It did some pelvic floor exercises to aid in elimination.

The Internet felt it would be a very large word.

With a lot of groaning and muscle control the Internet passed the biggest word it ever had.passed and the word was...

cat - ha!

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Dear Mr Lifeguard

Dear Mr Lifeguard,
thankyou so much for saving me last Sunday. I felt at the time that I would be swept off to New Zealand to visit my sister if you hadn't been there - but I would have been DOA.
I was completely unaware at first that the sea had it's hand under me, fingers ready to pluck me from the surface and take me to it's bosom. I'm not much of a morsel and was easy pickings.

Mr Lifeguard, although a scary episode, I'm glad I was given the chance to be a good 'guinea pig' (as you said later on the beach), and glad I gave you and your fellow red and yellow capped knights of the undertows an opportunity to see what was going on under there, so you could move the flags down the beach before all those tiny apprentice knights were swept away.
I'm incredibly impressed by your immediate response to my inaudible plea to fellow swimmers that I was in trouble - although you could probably read my lips as I was only about three meters from where you were standing on the beach...
No sooner had I uttered the words 'I think I'm in trouble' then you were there on your trusty yellow steed.
I'm sorry you had to have your face in my baggy board shorts bum on the way in to the beach and sorry you had to be polite and look into my face when I said thankyou even though there were boogers hanging out my nose.
Sorry also if I embarrassed you when I 'Whoopee d!' on the wave we rode in to the beach.
I know you and I will never form a bond other than the damsel in distress and knight in shining armor but I have to tell you that when I was in the water and scared and looked into your gentle eyes and heard you calmly say 'hold on to the board and have a rest' I felt I was the luckiest flotsam in the sea.

Edit: sorry no cat- ha!

Monday, 28 November 2011

Have a 'Sexytime'

I was thinking on my walk with the dog this morning on how to bring a lot of people to my blog. Like the bandipig (see 'Gouda come home') I need a herd too.

I wondered what the most searched word might be and I got to thinking that if I filled a post with the max amount of the word and put it in the title that it might draw an audience.

I thought everyone would be looking for sex - that's what advertisers often use to sell their products.

I'm not really selling sex here - but neither are those ice cream ads (that I haven't seen for a while actually) in which a helpless defenseless ice cream has fellatio forced upon it by a gorgeous lithe young booby girl (who probably picks her nose while driving to the doctor to have her herpes looked at and doesn't even have sex with the light on and wouldn't do fellatio on her boyfriend anyway for fear of developing a cleft palette).

These ads seem to be selling sex eh? But who's buying?

I wonder if men buy as many ice creams as women do? I buy ice creams, and imagining a girl doing that  to me doesn't make me want to buy 'sexy time' ice creams, not really - Oh! - I suppose they mean for me to imagine that when I eat 'sexy time' ice creams that I am - you know - doing that to my significant other! - and that will make me want to buy a 'sexy time'? Would this sell more ice creams to women? Maybe it didn't work and that's why they don't show these sort of ads much anymore...

Why don't they have a guy performing fellatio on a 'sexy time' ice cream?

I know now since typing the word fellatio so much that it is spelled with two Ls and I know the answer to the question 'Why don't they portray a guy performing fellatio on a 'sexy time' ice cream?...

Is it A, B or C?
A. More heterosexuals eat ice cream than do gays..
B. Cunnilingus is not as popular as fellatio.
C. Men buy more ice creams than women..

Edit: I've discovered after a quick min search that - surprise surprise! Sex is not the most searched word - what was I thinking? According to one site it's 'domain'.

domain domain domain domain domain domain domain domain domain domain domain domain domain domain cat

Saturday, 26 November 2011

And she did!

Can you believe it? this afternoon, two hours before dark, I heard a strange bird that sounded like a bandicoot guinea pig (see previous post 'Gouda come home!') but not close enough to the sound to convince me it was our lost little girl and besides it was coming from up in the trees not under them.
I know animals of this type cannot climb trees. They have enough trouble climbing very small stairs.


She appeared! She sauntered out of the bushes near her cage and made a dash for cover next to it.

Now, after losing our little bandipig (much easier to write/say) for three days in near torrential raining cats and dogs type rain, in snake season, on 25 acres of bushy land, I'm incredibly impressed with how she has survived. She's a wonder. She's brave and fearless and strong and clever, she's a SUPER bandipig! She doesn't need a friend!

Yes she does. So she can teach it how to be brave and fearless also!

And besides I made a promise...

Seeks the company of other female guinea pig to share 25 acres of NSW north coast untamed bushland.
You will have adventures!

I hope the adventure part doesn't put them off.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Gouda come home

My son's pet bandicoot guinea pig has gone missing.

When he got the pet we used to tease him by calling it bandicoot instead of guinea pig.
We all got so used to calling it a bandicoot that now it's difficult to think of it as anything else.
I don't know why I say pet bandicoot guinea pig. After all there's no other sort of bandicoot guinea pig is there? I mean I wouldn't say my son's wild bandicoot guinea pig has gone missing.
We don't have wild bandicoot guinea pigs in this country as far as I know. If we did you'd never know because they'd all be hiding from us.

I tried to talk myself into thinking it was a cool pet but really I just felt sorry for it.
The best thing it had to offer as a pet was that it was soft and furry.

We looked and looked.
We looked for two days, a bit, well not as much as we could have because the only way to find a lost bandicoot  guinea pig is if you happen to be standing right next to the thing it's hiding under and wait for half an hour - at least - until it stops being afraid and sticks it's head out.

But we live on 25 acres.

It went missing last week for a night also, but it's been two this time. And it's raining.

You might be wondering how it can escape? Why isn't it locked in a four by four cage waiting for food and water each day and watching us roaming free past the grill as if that's all it's got to look forward to?
It's because I felt sorry for it being in a cage and so I left it open, a little, just so it wouldn't get the idea that it was all go and lose it's head in the confusion of the big openness. 
I'd heard of other bandicoots guinea pigs free ranging. But that was with other bandicoots guinea pigs - which would have kept them all feeling safe, a herd, like little cows...

Surely it couldn't be that silly - it went looking for other bandicoots guinea pigs?

The first time it went missing we called out in guinea pig language 'OOOWEEP! OOOWEEP!' to it for the first day and on the second day I was walking down to the chook yard and said aloud and with conviction 'IF YOU COME BACK I WILL GET YOU A FRIEND!'
And then a funny thing happened that no-one else but the pet and I was there to see...
She ran across in front of me and hid under the chooks water tank!

We caught her with a carrot - how she's still eating those things I don't know - and put her in a nice comfy fresh straw filled bed in her cage.

After a few days of pampering and attention (of which no-one can ever tell a pet of that type likes) we got lax with the door again because it is nice to see an animal free.

Well now she's gone again and because it's raining she will be hiding in the dry with other creatures hiding in the dry and I feel guilty because I didn't keep my promise - because she's two years old and I didn't want to play pet piggy back with another animal being left when she's old and then dead and then I'd have another lonely pet of that kind that I'd have to find a friend for.

Her name was/is Gouda.


U.D.C.S upside down clock syndrome

Another late night, there weren't so many frogs last night. They must've been all stuffed from the night before.
No, can't blame the horny little shameless (check the way they show you their anus when their sitting on the outside of a window) green, slimy, noisy but sweet (yeah like to a snake maybe) things for my lack of sleep most nights lately. It's not just me awake either.

Most of the members of our house have become prey to UDC (Upside Down Clock) including me.

It's computers. They connect us to people. People who are still awake.

How can we sleep while everyone else on the other side of the planet is awake?
How can teenagers here rest their little keyboard fingers while teenagers there are clacking away – right now! - as I write – at two in the morning?

Globalization has made us aware of the fact that while we have our eyes shut, across the other side of the world there are people doing business. 

Over there people are packing boxes with stuff we've bought from them to send to us - who are sleeping...
They're getting the edge on how to use a WOMD in that computer game - while we're dreaming...
They're making more friends than us on facebook...
They're feeding their cats.
They're fornicating like the frogs outside my window last night...

We don't know whether people on the other side of the planet sleep or not, that's not important - it's the stuff they're doing standing up awake that is important and they're doing it while we are meant to be resting and, since we're one planet and 'we are all connected', then going to sleep at the proper time is like hunkering down in a corner of the lounge room for a kip at your own all night party. 

No, the answer to UCD is the same as the answer to noisy, wakey, wakey, fornicating frogs...
Tell your subconscious to forget about what's happening outside your window and on the other side of the world, come back home, pull the plug and...DISCONNECT!

- In a small voice 'I will probably be plugged back in tomorrow'.

Edit: I see that upsidedown  is not a single word. I had a niggly feeling it might be and I'm glad it's not. My initialization would become UD which sounds like an almost-contraceptive device. Probably UCD could be considered one, with everyone too tired for anything between the sheets except sleeping.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Frogs in Love

I wrote this last night because I couldn't sleep...

It's raining, it's nighttime and there are a lot of frogs outside and no cats.

They're taking it in turns to sing 'Aaarp, aaarp, brrrr, brrrr'.
Hey I just realized whilst re-writing this that they yell 'AAAARP!' and if they get an 'AAAARP' back they say 'brrrr, brrrr'. I don't think I've heard them yell 'BRRR! BRRR!' Maybe “AAAARP!' means 'I'm a boy/girl looking for sex!' and 'Aaarp, aaarp, brrrr, brrrr' means 'Hi gorgeous'.

Writing is like drawing in that way. If I draw something I notice things about what I draw which I normally wouldn't notice.

Anyway, back to the nighttime...
They come down from the trees after dark at about bedtime (whenever that was) and have an orgy in any bit of water they can find, right now there's lots of them in the pool.

The pool is outside my bedroom window. 

Isn't over fifty frogs fornicating on our lawn and everywhere else there's a puddle enough to keep one from sleeping? Although you do get used to them. 

Visitors don't.  A neighbour who was here for dinner once said 'I'd shoot the bastards!' The same guy  told us of a man called Lenny who had frogs come to his verandah each night and line up on the railing while he fed them dead flies from the tip of a paddle pop stick.

I once illustrated “The Frog Prince'. I called the painting 'Promises, promises, promises, promises' on account of all the frogs she had to take to her chamber to find the handsome prince...

But if she had lived at my house she would have this many...

But we couldn't see her out my bedroom window because it would look like this...

Before I screened my bedroom window I had a frog land on my pillow in the middle of the night.

Finding out the thing on my pillow had four legs was a relief. Not that I would take the time to count the legs of a creature that lands on my bed in the middle of the night or that it makes a difference how many legs it has – you don't stop to ask at one in the morning do you?

A friend of mine once found a six legged spider on the window sill in her kitchen. Since it was still alive she made it a pet and kept it in a colander. Even though she kept it well fed on flies it must've been really hungry and eating itself because it kept losing more legs and what sort of mean other spider would slowly eat the remaining legs of a crippled six legged spider?

It lost a leg a day and the leg couldn't be found so down it's gob it must have went until eventually it had no legs and it died – from lack of legs I suppose.

But still, you can put an eight legged frog on my pillow over a six legged spider any night.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

One thing leads to another - a W.I.P.

Hi. This is a work in progress. At the end of each of my blog posts I was going to put this guy in a drawing, they all link up together. Now I realize it's a pain in the bum for me and anyone trying to follow it that way so it will be continued here and I don't know how long I will keep it up. I suppose until I get tired of it.

see - there's a cat

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Opping out of Shopping

One of my sisters loves to shop. She likes shopping so much that before Christmas we could give her our 'to get' list and she'd find the best price for whatever we had on it. She could shop everyone else I know under the bargain table.

I don't like shopping, really -  I'd rather go to the dentist than buy shoes.

Op shopping is different though.

The pressure is off. There's a sense of (usually) abandon - 'this soiled, two sizes too big for me dress is such a bargain at 50c that it doesn't matter if I leave it in the closet for 2 years and then chuck it!'

Although it's a little off putting when you do finally give it up and find it back on the rack in the local Vinnies the next day.

You can mostly be sure that what you buy at op is a one of a kind. Except those netball t-shirts with 'Tamarillo Tigers' emblazoned on the front...

The slinky floral sundress that you know you'll be the only one wearing tonight at that party? - may have been worn once before by someone else at that party. And the cost of dyeing so the item is unrecognizable just cuts out the discount you gained by shopping in op.

There's a definite technique to op shopping that has taken me a few years to master. Here's a few pointers to save you time.

1. Go out without a list or preconceived ideas of what you want eg I was looking for a pair of shorts for yoga once and came home with two gorgeous old directors chairs...

2. Be generous of intent - be open to finding something for someone you know (but don't blame me if they don't like it).

3. Don't waste time stuck in indecision. Walk in and look at everything really quickly. If an item is good then you'll know straight away and you'll know who it's for.

4. This is important. Don't buy something you're not sure of. Like the too big dress it will plague you and every time you open the closet door it will scream at you...

I was sure of the chairs. Especially when I noticed the hungry look on the face of another op competitor. She even spoke to me about her loss -.

'Oh ... I didn't see those, they're great...'

I tried to control the gloating smile as I put them in the car and wonder what I'll wear to yoga the next day.


M.E.O.W. (Making Everything One Word)

WTF (World Trade Federation) are we doing? OMG (Online Marketing Group) is life too short for whole words? Then I find out we've been doing it a long time - and maybe longer than that, probably since we could write, well at least since SPQR (Senatus Populusque Romanus).

Of course it's a writing thing that then becomes a speaking thing as long as the letters form something that can be said without turning your mouth inside out. The ones that you can't say without sounding like you're drunk are not acronyms, they're only initializations. To make an initialization into an acronym takes skill or at least a mastery of vowels. I'm going to group initializations and acronyms under the heading of MEOWS here 'cause it's easy to say and write.

But how far can we go with this? MEOWs like LOL and WTF have already crept their way into common speech. Will MEOWs become a part of everyday language?

'I took my 2YO to the SM. He wanted a BOL and I said NO and he threw a TTM. I carried the kicking and screaming LB out under my arm ASAP.'

Luckily most of the commonly used MEOWs are superfluous or SPFS and therefore don't often need to be understood to get the full meaning of the 'sentence'. Though I'm sure there are some exceptions as in...


Which is 'I could of course be wrong but I think I'm pregnant'.

I'm sure your BF or SO would want to get the gist of that - or maybe not.

And with our PM JG going to CHOGM recently I realize England's running on DC and Indians have MS. Outside CHOGM Greece is still using LP and Americans have BO.

I found a site that boasts more than 500 million acronyms and initializations (AAIs I know - but MEOWs still sounds better..

Although I find most MEOWs annoying (because I don't know WTF they mean), there are probably a lot of well known MEOWs that I like without realizing because they've been around so long I'm used to them. TBA is an oldie but goodie - and OK is great. I don't like cricket but I like the sound of LBW. I hate FYI because it sounds so 'I know it all' (IKIA).

Publish AARGHH

Monday, 21 November 2011

Cat naps

I used to live in Manly, Sydney a long time ago. I lived on the Northern Hill and shared a house with my boyfriend. He didn't care much for cats and those of you who do should not read the following.

People who don't like cats probably shouldn't either. But if you don't care either way or have a slightly sick sense of humor then go ahead.

I'm fully aware I run the risk of the handful of people who viewed my empty blog and have come back to see what I feed my cat will reduce to a few fingers.

A long time ago in a suburb overrun with cockroaches far away...

I lived in Manly and after catching the ferry from Circular Quay to Manly wharf each day we'd walk home if it wasn't raining. I guess my boyfriend wouldn't have enjoyed the walk if it was raining, because...

There were a lot of pet cats in Manly and at least eight of them between the jetty and our house in Quentin Road. They liked to sit on fences sunning themselves in the afternoon glow.

Each afternoon my boyfriend enjoyed walking casually almost past them and then, with a well aimed push (he was a hockey player) he would cut short their sun bath.

Please - I am not a cat hater and they were never hurt. I wouldn't have stood for cruelty – it was funny though. I must have a sick sense of humor.

Besides I know cats are clever and, well, they were back each afternoon – so they must have enjoyed it.

I know I probably shouldn't laugh (still) but it's one of those things you know you shouldn't do like laughing at funerals – no I don't laugh at funerals but a friend of mine has difficulty keeping a straight face whenever she knows she has to and funerals are one of those times.

Publish - AArgghh!

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Why am I here?

Edit: I notice I have a lot more page views for this, my first ever blog post and  the others are much better, maybe.
Is it the title?
'Why am I' here is a question that draws people in perhaps. I don't think I have an answer you would like. Sometimes I think we are all just filling in time until we find out the answer to the end of the story. It's how we fill in time that's the thing. It may as well be doing the thing you like to do. I like to draw and write. At the moment this is what I'm doing to fill in time.

My First Post

Well, here I am doing gawd knows what with a blog. 

Just playing around with this at the moment and seeing what can happen. Crikey I'll try anything to make something happen!

I once read a book called 'Something Happened'. Nothing happened in it until near the end when something terrible happened.  

This is really scary, I see today that people have looked at my blog and I haven't said anything yet...

I want to say something really profound that will change your life and make you see things differently, like a good drug, but I don't think I could come up with anything as good as some things that have been said in other places already. But I can draw something nice...

There are some really good blogs around....

Hey! - I could write a blog about good blogs, be a blog reviewer or something.
I'll start with my own...

"'Feeding the Cat' is not about feeding cats. The owner of this blog hasn't explained why this blog is called 'Feeding the Cat' yet, in fact the owner hasn't said anything at all. I wonder if they even have a cat." 

Edit: If you want to know about 'feeding the cat' go to 'about'.

For anyone who has found this blog because they were looking for information about what to feed their cat I will endeavor to mention cats in my posts to avoid your disappointment. 

Publish ahhgg!

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